Old Self
“Can we grieve too for the death of who we were before?” – Geloy Concepcion
People say challenges make you better, stronger, and that they make you grow. All of this alludes to a sense of improvement of the self after having faced an obstacle. But I feel like these are just things people say to try and make you feel better.
I have begun to believe that challenging times do change you, but not always for the better.
Before I took ill, nothing in life was really debilitating. No obstacle seemed truly insurmountable. But now, most do. So, how is this better? How is this an improvement?
It seems to me like I’m working on myself overtime just to find my way back to the qualities I already possessed. It feels like after being in a constant state of survival for close to a decade, thriving and truly living life are distant and obscure possibilities.
However, I am also starting to believe that time heals most anything. I find me in myself a little more each year. It’s surprising even to me. A natural progression of returning to myself – at least a more grown up version of me with many new lessons and a changed worldview. Whether this shift in perspective and personality is a good or bad one is up for debate. But the change itself is undeniable.
I guess for most people the change at that age is more gradual. We are all slowly molded into adulthood by life. Maybe my change feels unnatural because of the unusually intense circumstances that molded me.
I don’t just feel like I have been changed. I feel like I lost my old self, the naïve 16-year-old who didn’t know what she wanted from life but was happy to figure it out. She was fairly secure even in the face of uncertainty. She’s not here anymore.
I grieved her loss for years. I still miss her sometimes. But I am slowly finding ways to bring back the parts of her that I liked. Time has been helping me with this endeavor.
I guess she’s still somewhere inside this new me, slowly finding her way out of the cave that she receded into when life knocked her out.
But now I find bits of her blending into this new me, almost effortlessly. I see my old self’s sense of security working alongside my new self’s determination.
Together, I think they can create a version of me that I could really like.
