Subtle Nostalgia

“Life offers up these moments of joy despite everything.” – Normal People (2020)

When I was in the thick of disease and distress, I never contemplated the possibility of one day feeling a subtle sense of nostalgia for those dreadful years.

And yet, after a few years of recovery and healing, both physically and mentally, I find myself remembering moments from those traumatic years almost fondly. I find myself reminiscing about a time that I would also be happy to forget.

How can I be nostalgic about the worst time of my life? Even if it’s just moments from that time.

I remember comfortable afternoons in the hospital with my mother on the days I felt better. I remember those precious, short-lived hours of comfort that I finally got after craving it for days, sometimes months on end. I savored those moments because I knew they wouldn’t last.

I remember the delicious cold, sweet vanilla custard at the hospital and how I always asked for seconds. I knew their weekly menu by heart and custard-day was something to look forward to.

I remember my mother putting on a music channel on the TV to cheer me up. It was the first time I heard Sign of The Times by Harry Styles.

I remember my grandparents coming to visit me and making me laugh.

I remember the kind nurses I bonded with.

I remember cozy moments with my mom and aunt where we talked for hours about everything from our favorite desserts to the nature of our existence.

I remember the spark of joy I felt when the sun set because I knew that meant my dad would come visit me soon after work.

I remember the feeling of finally coming home after a stay in the hospital. Ah, my room, my bed, my dog’s joyful greeting.

I remember when my relatives would come home and we would all sit huddled together in my little room and talk and laugh like nothing was wrong. In those moments I believed it.

So pray tell me, why am I able to find these sweet waves in the midst of a bitter sea?

For so long I craved comfort, joy and hope. But I guess they were interspersed with despair all along.