The Simple Act of Waiting

“Of all the hardships a person had to face, none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting.” – Khalid Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns

I waited. I waited for test results; I waited for doctors to decide what to do with me; I waited for insurance companies to decide if my treatment, my health and life were worth the money; I waited for hospitals to figure out more ways to make money off of my suffering.

Then, I waited to feel better – and then I waited until it would start all over again.

It has been 10 years, and I still wait. I wait for the day I no longer need medication. I wait for the day I no longer need to put up with the illogical ways of the medical world. I wait for the day I can feel and know that I am cured. I wait for the day I can look back on all this and know that I’m far from it.

Lately, I’ve been waiting to live. You see, I had decided long ago that I would not attempt life until I was cured. It was my stubborn resolve against the universe that was allowing my suffering – that I would become useless to it by becoming nothing and doing nothing. 

But I can feel that resolve weakening now. I can feel myself getting ready for life. And I realize that at some point, the waiting became pointless.

At first there was merit. I cherished the nothingness in my everyday life. After an unbearably eventful few years, I wanted to do – I wanted to be nothing. The newfound comfort of nothingness was precious to me. And I never thought that would get old. I thought I would be perfectly happy in everlasting slowness for the rest of my days.

I still would like a lot of my life to look like that – just not as much of it anymore. I want more than nothingness now. As I’ve healed, as I’ve existed, as time has gone on, I’ve gradually been growing frustrated by the nothingness. I like pockets of life now. I have begun to find a little more peace in the absence of nothingness.

But I have a dilemma. I don’t know how to move while in waiting. I’m still waiting to be cured – I told myself and the universe that I would not move until it was all over. And it’s not over yet – but I do feel closer than ever. Maybe this feeling, this spark, this newfound sprinkle of zest I recognize within me is the universe’s way of preparing me for what I know is almost here – my turn to live.

Waiting can be restful and healing, but it is also usually excruciating. And I feel like my wait is almost over. This spark of wanting more is me getting ready, getting rid of the fears, letting go of the past.I know it’s going to take some work, but I have never felt more ready to do the work.

I’m done waiting. A new stubborn resolve has made its way into my heart and mind – a resolve to live.